I found this video a while ago and thought it was excellent. I want to share it here because I think it does a good job of describing what depression feels like and how it can affect someone's life. It is simple and direct and provides a good picture of depression for those who don't know what it feels like, yet know and care about someone who deals with it all of the time. I hope you will take 4 minutes and watch this. I like that is honest and hopeful.
Friday, January 10, 2014
I had a black dog, his name was depression
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Trust
No way has it been over a month since I last posted a chapter. What happened? I do not know.
This chapter is about trust. This topic is significant to me because of the unpredictability of my illness. I have a background in behavioral science where I was taught to look for patterns; specifically, patterns of behavior. The objective for the scientist is to be able to increase the odds of being able to predict a certain kind of outcome from identifying certain variables. In my case, I have tried to identify certain variables such as diet, sleep, exercise, stress, and so forth, and then used these variable to help predict an outcome for my levels of fatigue and other symptoms of my illness. Without going into detail, let me just say that my illness frustrates scientists, and people with the illness who are trying to understand what it is that is going on with their bodies.
I feel much better than I did 15 years ago when I first started dealing with my symptoms, yet I have not found a way to predict or eliminate when or how my symptoms will flare. Therefore, the element of trust has been a rather complicated issue. None of us knows what any given day will bring, however there was a profound sense of trust that was lost to me when I first started experiencing symptoms. I could no longer trust that if I took care of myself in a healthy way that there would be a generally predictable outcome.
Not too long ago I experienced a betrayal that shook my trust in a particular person and our friendship. It was painful. Betrayal is not fun. After reviewing this chapter, I recalled how painful it was to feel like my body was betraying my trust when I first began my journey through chronic illness. I have learned from it, and I hope some of my insights will help you on your journey of understanding.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuSjN3S01jM0ZIUTA/edit?usp=sharing
This chapter is about trust. This topic is significant to me because of the unpredictability of my illness. I have a background in behavioral science where I was taught to look for patterns; specifically, patterns of behavior. The objective for the scientist is to be able to increase the odds of being able to predict a certain kind of outcome from identifying certain variables. In my case, I have tried to identify certain variables such as diet, sleep, exercise, stress, and so forth, and then used these variable to help predict an outcome for my levels of fatigue and other symptoms of my illness. Without going into detail, let me just say that my illness frustrates scientists, and people with the illness who are trying to understand what it is that is going on with their bodies.
I feel much better than I did 15 years ago when I first started dealing with my symptoms, yet I have not found a way to predict or eliminate when or how my symptoms will flare. Therefore, the element of trust has been a rather complicated issue. None of us knows what any given day will bring, however there was a profound sense of trust that was lost to me when I first started experiencing symptoms. I could no longer trust that if I took care of myself in a healthy way that there would be a generally predictable outcome.
Not too long ago I experienced a betrayal that shook my trust in a particular person and our friendship. It was painful. Betrayal is not fun. After reviewing this chapter, I recalled how painful it was to feel like my body was betraying my trust when I first began my journey through chronic illness. I have learned from it, and I hope some of my insights will help you on your journey of understanding.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuSjN3S01jM0ZIUTA/edit?usp=sharing
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Grief
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOudloxUXJGZjlVYm8/edit?usp=sharing
So, this is the link for the next chapter of my manuscript called, "Carry On." This chapter is about grief.
It is interesting for me to consider how I would have written this chapter if I were to start over and write something about grief today. I have been working part-time at a hospital as an interfaith chaplain and I have had many experiences listening to people and hearing about grief in many different stories. I recall one patient (I have to be careful about what I say and how I say it but I think I can say this...) who was in her 80's and spoke about abuse she had suffered when she was a little girl. She told me the story as if it happened yesterday. I realized how we carry grief in our hearts in profound ways. I often hear about an experience of loss and then the time frame comes into the conversation and this loss was experienced 20 or 30 years before. My point here is that I am finding a pattern of people who have never truly mourned a loss, or they have mourned yet the grief is very much a part of their life story. There are some losses that we never "get over;" we simply learn to manage our grief and live with it.
This chapter is about living with grief. There is a chronic kind of grief that accompanies chronic illness. I don't really talk about my illness very often, however I have noticed that when I hear my voice telling something about what it is like for me to live with it I feel the emotion creeping up from my heart into my throat. That is when I know more surely that I am still grieving the loss of "something" that was valuable to me.
We all experience loss in our lives. I hope this chapter will resonate in some way with what you have experienced and can give you some enlightenment to help you carry on!
So, this is the link for the next chapter of my manuscript called, "Carry On." This chapter is about grief.
It is interesting for me to consider how I would have written this chapter if I were to start over and write something about grief today. I have been working part-time at a hospital as an interfaith chaplain and I have had many experiences listening to people and hearing about grief in many different stories. I recall one patient (I have to be careful about what I say and how I say it but I think I can say this...) who was in her 80's and spoke about abuse she had suffered when she was a little girl. She told me the story as if it happened yesterday. I realized how we carry grief in our hearts in profound ways. I often hear about an experience of loss and then the time frame comes into the conversation and this loss was experienced 20 or 30 years before. My point here is that I am finding a pattern of people who have never truly mourned a loss, or they have mourned yet the grief is very much a part of their life story. There are some losses that we never "get over;" we simply learn to manage our grief and live with it.
This chapter is about living with grief. There is a chronic kind of grief that accompanies chronic illness. I don't really talk about my illness very often, however I have noticed that when I hear my voice telling something about what it is like for me to live with it I feel the emotion creeping up from my heart into my throat. That is when I know more surely that I am still grieving the loss of "something" that was valuable to me.
We all experience loss in our lives. I hope this chapter will resonate in some way with what you have experienced and can give you some enlightenment to help you carry on!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOucFM4RDg4UWFpaW8/edit?usp=sharing
Above is the link to the chapter on FEAR. This has taken me awhile because I was experimenting with computer "stuff" and I am not savvy with computer "stuff". In fact, I am about as un-savvy as can be. I was trying to see if I could get a more universal format for people to view this file and it just didn't happen. I hope you can read this on whatever device you are using.
I took a big risk yesterday by leading an interfaith worship service with my eyes covered. My topic was about how sometimes we think we know about something just because we can see it. I talked about how there is always more than we can "see" about the people and the situations around us. I started to panic about an hour before the service started wondering what I had done to myself with this object lesson of having my eyes covered to prove a point. I wouldn't be able to see my notes, the people in the audience or their response to some of the things I was presenting, the clock to know how much time I had left, or the ipod when it was time to share the music I had ready to play. I was afraid.
Then, the service began and I was able to do what I had planned to do. When it was over I actually felt like I had accomplished something amazing for myself. I didn't let my fear defeat me. The main thing about this feeling wasn't about whether or not the people at the service were impressed, it was about taking a risk and following through in spite of my momentary fear.
I doubt we can "see" clearly the full amount of faith and courage we have inside of ourselves, especially when we are in a fearful place. That is what this chapter is about.
Carry On!
Above is the link to the chapter on FEAR. This has taken me awhile because I was experimenting with computer "stuff" and I am not savvy with computer "stuff". In fact, I am about as un-savvy as can be. I was trying to see if I could get a more universal format for people to view this file and it just didn't happen. I hope you can read this on whatever device you are using.
I took a big risk yesterday by leading an interfaith worship service with my eyes covered. My topic was about how sometimes we think we know about something just because we can see it. I talked about how there is always more than we can "see" about the people and the situations around us. I started to panic about an hour before the service started wondering what I had done to myself with this object lesson of having my eyes covered to prove a point. I wouldn't be able to see my notes, the people in the audience or their response to some of the things I was presenting, the clock to know how much time I had left, or the ipod when it was time to share the music I had ready to play. I was afraid.
Then, the service began and I was able to do what I had planned to do. When it was over I actually felt like I had accomplished something amazing for myself. I didn't let my fear defeat me. The main thing about this feeling wasn't about whether or not the people at the service were impressed, it was about taking a risk and following through in spite of my momentary fear.
I doubt we can "see" clearly the full amount of faith and courage we have inside of ourselves, especially when we are in a fearful place. That is what this chapter is about.
Carry On!
Friday, August 23, 2013
Welcome.
Looking back over chapter three of my manuscript I realized it is about 18 or 19 pages long. "This is too long," I told myself. I wondered about what to take out and tried to figure out where my attention drifted as I read each section.
Well, my attention did drift in certain places, but where my attention drifted someone else might be interested and vice versa. In the end I only edited a few things and it is still lengthy. Too bad, so sad. You will have to edit yourself by skimming through those places where your attention drifts. Hopefully, not the entire chapter. That would be too bad and so sad.
Chapter three is about the vision of how we see ourselves and the ongoing need to adjust to the story of our lives. I have had to adjust to an unexpected illness and different kinds of uncertainties that all kinds of people face whether they have an illness or not. Perhaps some of it will ring true for you. And, perhaps you can find something that sparks a new idea to help you along your journey.
Carry On!
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuUGZKY1M3d1VXV1k/edit?usp=sharing
Looking back over chapter three of my manuscript I realized it is about 18 or 19 pages long. "This is too long," I told myself. I wondered about what to take out and tried to figure out where my attention drifted as I read each section.
Well, my attention did drift in certain places, but where my attention drifted someone else might be interested and vice versa. In the end I only edited a few things and it is still lengthy. Too bad, so sad. You will have to edit yourself by skimming through those places where your attention drifts. Hopefully, not the entire chapter. That would be too bad and so sad.
Chapter three is about the vision of how we see ourselves and the ongoing need to adjust to the story of our lives. I have had to adjust to an unexpected illness and different kinds of uncertainties that all kinds of people face whether they have an illness or not. Perhaps some of it will ring true for you. And, perhaps you can find something that sparks a new idea to help you along your journey.
Carry On!
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuUGZKY1M3d1VXV1k/edit?usp=sharing
Friday, August 16, 2013
Here is the link for chapter 2 of my manuscript, "Carry On, Living with Uncertainty". It is about faith.
Looking back over this chapter I realize that I have been feeling much better than when I wrote the first draft for this (however many years ago -- and many, many drafts later). Nevertheless, reading this dropped me very near to a feeling of depression that I remember quite well and pulled me toward the edge of a steep drop off that looked familiar. A place I continue work very hard to distance myself from.
Feel free to leave a comment if you desire.
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuMHM5NW54VG1saGs/edit?usp=sharing
Friday, August 2, 2013
This is the first chapter from "Carry On! Living with Uncertainty." It is called "Illness" and I attempt to describe some of my feelings about what it is like to live with an illness that is chronic.
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuWjY3aGVXYVhCNXM/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuWjY3aGVXYVhCNXM/edit?usp=sharing
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