No way has it been over a month since I last posted a chapter. What happened? I do not know.
This chapter is about trust. This topic is significant to me because of the unpredictability of my illness. I have a background in behavioral science where I was taught to look for patterns; specifically, patterns of behavior. The objective for the scientist is to be able to increase the odds of being able to predict a certain kind of outcome from identifying certain variables. In my case, I have tried to identify certain variables such as diet, sleep, exercise, stress, and so forth, and then used these variable to help predict an outcome for my levels of fatigue and other symptoms of my illness. Without going into detail, let me just say that my illness frustrates scientists, and people with the illness who are trying to understand what it is that is going on with their bodies.
I feel much better than I did 15 years ago when I first started dealing with my symptoms, yet I have not found a way to predict or eliminate when or how my symptoms will flare. Therefore, the element of trust has been a rather complicated issue. None of us knows what any given day will bring, however there was a profound sense of trust that was lost to me when I first started experiencing symptoms. I could no longer trust that if I took care of myself in a healthy way that there would be a generally predictable outcome.
Not too long ago I experienced a betrayal that shook my trust in a particular person and our friendship. It was painful. Betrayal is not fun. After reviewing this chapter, I recalled how painful it was to feel like my body was betraying my trust when I first began my journey through chronic illness. I have learned from it, and I hope some of my insights will help you on your journey of understanding.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuSjN3S01jM0ZIUTA/edit?usp=sharing
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Grief
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOudloxUXJGZjlVYm8/edit?usp=sharing
So, this is the link for the next chapter of my manuscript called, "Carry On." This chapter is about grief.
It is interesting for me to consider how I would have written this chapter if I were to start over and write something about grief today. I have been working part-time at a hospital as an interfaith chaplain and I have had many experiences listening to people and hearing about grief in many different stories. I recall one patient (I have to be careful about what I say and how I say it but I think I can say this...) who was in her 80's and spoke about abuse she had suffered when she was a little girl. She told me the story as if it happened yesterday. I realized how we carry grief in our hearts in profound ways. I often hear about an experience of loss and then the time frame comes into the conversation and this loss was experienced 20 or 30 years before. My point here is that I am finding a pattern of people who have never truly mourned a loss, or they have mourned yet the grief is very much a part of their life story. There are some losses that we never "get over;" we simply learn to manage our grief and live with it.
This chapter is about living with grief. There is a chronic kind of grief that accompanies chronic illness. I don't really talk about my illness very often, however I have noticed that when I hear my voice telling something about what it is like for me to live with it I feel the emotion creeping up from my heart into my throat. That is when I know more surely that I am still grieving the loss of "something" that was valuable to me.
We all experience loss in our lives. I hope this chapter will resonate in some way with what you have experienced and can give you some enlightenment to help you carry on!
So, this is the link for the next chapter of my manuscript called, "Carry On." This chapter is about grief.
It is interesting for me to consider how I would have written this chapter if I were to start over and write something about grief today. I have been working part-time at a hospital as an interfaith chaplain and I have had many experiences listening to people and hearing about grief in many different stories. I recall one patient (I have to be careful about what I say and how I say it but I think I can say this...) who was in her 80's and spoke about abuse she had suffered when she was a little girl. She told me the story as if it happened yesterday. I realized how we carry grief in our hearts in profound ways. I often hear about an experience of loss and then the time frame comes into the conversation and this loss was experienced 20 or 30 years before. My point here is that I am finding a pattern of people who have never truly mourned a loss, or they have mourned yet the grief is very much a part of their life story. There are some losses that we never "get over;" we simply learn to manage our grief and live with it.
This chapter is about living with grief. There is a chronic kind of grief that accompanies chronic illness. I don't really talk about my illness very often, however I have noticed that when I hear my voice telling something about what it is like for me to live with it I feel the emotion creeping up from my heart into my throat. That is when I know more surely that I am still grieving the loss of "something" that was valuable to me.
We all experience loss in our lives. I hope this chapter will resonate in some way with what you have experienced and can give you some enlightenment to help you carry on!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOucFM4RDg4UWFpaW8/edit?usp=sharing
Above is the link to the chapter on FEAR. This has taken me awhile because I was experimenting with computer "stuff" and I am not savvy with computer "stuff". In fact, I am about as un-savvy as can be. I was trying to see if I could get a more universal format for people to view this file and it just didn't happen. I hope you can read this on whatever device you are using.
I took a big risk yesterday by leading an interfaith worship service with my eyes covered. My topic was about how sometimes we think we know about something just because we can see it. I talked about how there is always more than we can "see" about the people and the situations around us. I started to panic about an hour before the service started wondering what I had done to myself with this object lesson of having my eyes covered to prove a point. I wouldn't be able to see my notes, the people in the audience or their response to some of the things I was presenting, the clock to know how much time I had left, or the ipod when it was time to share the music I had ready to play. I was afraid.
Then, the service began and I was able to do what I had planned to do. When it was over I actually felt like I had accomplished something amazing for myself. I didn't let my fear defeat me. The main thing about this feeling wasn't about whether or not the people at the service were impressed, it was about taking a risk and following through in spite of my momentary fear.
I doubt we can "see" clearly the full amount of faith and courage we have inside of ourselves, especially when we are in a fearful place. That is what this chapter is about.
Carry On!
Above is the link to the chapter on FEAR. This has taken me awhile because I was experimenting with computer "stuff" and I am not savvy with computer "stuff". In fact, I am about as un-savvy as can be. I was trying to see if I could get a more universal format for people to view this file and it just didn't happen. I hope you can read this on whatever device you are using.
I took a big risk yesterday by leading an interfaith worship service with my eyes covered. My topic was about how sometimes we think we know about something just because we can see it. I talked about how there is always more than we can "see" about the people and the situations around us. I started to panic about an hour before the service started wondering what I had done to myself with this object lesson of having my eyes covered to prove a point. I wouldn't be able to see my notes, the people in the audience or their response to some of the things I was presenting, the clock to know how much time I had left, or the ipod when it was time to share the music I had ready to play. I was afraid.
Then, the service began and I was able to do what I had planned to do. When it was over I actually felt like I had accomplished something amazing for myself. I didn't let my fear defeat me. The main thing about this feeling wasn't about whether or not the people at the service were impressed, it was about taking a risk and following through in spite of my momentary fear.
I doubt we can "see" clearly the full amount of faith and courage we have inside of ourselves, especially when we are in a fearful place. That is what this chapter is about.
Carry On!
Friday, August 23, 2013
Welcome.
Looking back over chapter three of my manuscript I realized it is about 18 or 19 pages long. "This is too long," I told myself. I wondered about what to take out and tried to figure out where my attention drifted as I read each section.
Well, my attention did drift in certain places, but where my attention drifted someone else might be interested and vice versa. In the end I only edited a few things and it is still lengthy. Too bad, so sad. You will have to edit yourself by skimming through those places where your attention drifts. Hopefully, not the entire chapter. That would be too bad and so sad.
Chapter three is about the vision of how we see ourselves and the ongoing need to adjust to the story of our lives. I have had to adjust to an unexpected illness and different kinds of uncertainties that all kinds of people face whether they have an illness or not. Perhaps some of it will ring true for you. And, perhaps you can find something that sparks a new idea to help you along your journey.
Carry On!
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuUGZKY1M3d1VXV1k/edit?usp=sharing
Looking back over chapter three of my manuscript I realized it is about 18 or 19 pages long. "This is too long," I told myself. I wondered about what to take out and tried to figure out where my attention drifted as I read each section.
Well, my attention did drift in certain places, but where my attention drifted someone else might be interested and vice versa. In the end I only edited a few things and it is still lengthy. Too bad, so sad. You will have to edit yourself by skimming through those places where your attention drifts. Hopefully, not the entire chapter. That would be too bad and so sad.
Chapter three is about the vision of how we see ourselves and the ongoing need to adjust to the story of our lives. I have had to adjust to an unexpected illness and different kinds of uncertainties that all kinds of people face whether they have an illness or not. Perhaps some of it will ring true for you. And, perhaps you can find something that sparks a new idea to help you along your journey.
Carry On!
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuUGZKY1M3d1VXV1k/edit?usp=sharing
Friday, August 16, 2013
Here is the link for chapter 2 of my manuscript, "Carry On, Living with Uncertainty". It is about faith.
Looking back over this chapter I realize that I have been feeling much better than when I wrote the first draft for this (however many years ago -- and many, many drafts later). Nevertheless, reading this dropped me very near to a feeling of depression that I remember quite well and pulled me toward the edge of a steep drop off that looked familiar. A place I continue work very hard to distance myself from.
Feel free to leave a comment if you desire.
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuMHM5NW54VG1saGs/edit?usp=sharing
Friday, August 2, 2013
This is the first chapter from "Carry On! Living with Uncertainty." It is called "Illness" and I attempt to describe some of my feelings about what it is like to live with an illness that is chronic.
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuWjY3aGVXYVhCNXM/edit?usp=sharing
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuWjY3aGVXYVhCNXM/edit?usp=sharing
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
syncronicity
Yes, I will post the first Chapter of "Carry On! Living with Uncertainty" soon. In the meantime, here is the post on prayer that I mentioned previously on this blog.
SYNCRONICITY: the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality —used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung.
Here we go...
Why do a group of birds gather to the same tree all at once, and then fly away at the same time? Why isn't there anyone at the checkout counter at the store when I walk by while shopping, yet when I go to check out there are three or more people moving towards the line at the same time? How do trends begin in the first place? Why does one thing all-of-the-sudden appeal to lots of people all at once? And, how does something that was wildly popular go out of style? I'm thinking about the idea of syncronicity; particularly in relation to prayer.
How is it that I am conscious of a particular prayer being answered in one moment, and desperate for insight in another moment? I want to believe that prayers are always being answered whether or not I am aware. Yes, there is always something supernatural going on around me - that much I know. Nevertheless, how much of a prayer's life is manifested in my consciousness?
Do prayers flow with syncronicity?
Are my prayers living only in my own energy field? How can my prayer be a part of someone else's energy field without their permission? Who or what carries a prayer between individuals' energy fields? Millions of people and millions of energy fields - is there some kind of time or distance barrier? Even though God is in a dimension of timelessness, our prayers' lives are part of a dimension of time. Is there a stream of delivery for our prayers that only connects to certain relationships? Do we step in and out of waves of other people's prayer energy without feeling them?
What I know is that we somehow answer each other's prayers. I've had patients at the hospital tell me that I was an answer to their prayer. I stopped in their room; I listened to their story; I accompanied them through an emotion; I was an answer to their prayer without knowing what their prayer was. I did not hear their prayer before I stepped into their room. Or, did I?
Did I hear something without knowing it? Did I step through an energy field with the life of their prayer in it? (Syncronicity?)
I have heard some people say that they remember to say a prayer at night but often forget to say a prayer in the busy-ness of their morning. They go about their day without thinking to pray. Somehow this is possible for them. I don't remember what it was like to not need help every morning. I am supposing someone can take prayer for granted if they don't need help.
Every morning, especially for the past 14 and 1/2 years, I have needed to pray, Even when I have questioned whether or not my prayer had a life, I somehow found myself reaching for something. I needed, and still need, strength beyond my own. In my experience, I have found that chronic illness requires chronic prayer.
I can't think of when I last "forgot to pray". It's true: I have decided to quit praying before. But, like the main character in one of my favorite books, A Prayer for the Dying (by Stewart O'Nan), I find myself praying again. Here is an excerpt from that book which is written in second person - incredibly unique:
"You know you won't sleep.
Why don't you pray?
You already have.
Who would have thought you'd turn bitter? Of all people.
And so you roll over and whisper another prayer into your pillow. Not because you're too proud to admit you're wrong. Not because you're afraid. Because you can't change who you are."
Me, too. I pray because it is part of who I am. I am experimenting with trying to feel the life of prayers - energy fields of people who might be praying. I am trying to perceive possible answers to prayers that may not be consciously perceived. Something happens and I think to myself, "Hey, that is an answer to prayer." But, what about all of the things that happen in relation to the life of a prayer and I am not consciously aware of them? Does it seem like answers to prayers move in and out of our lives like the group of birds that all land in the tree together and fly away at the same time? Syncronicity...
SYNCRONICITY: the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality —used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung.
Here we go...
Why do a group of birds gather to the same tree all at once, and then fly away at the same time? Why isn't there anyone at the checkout counter at the store when I walk by while shopping, yet when I go to check out there are three or more people moving towards the line at the same time? How do trends begin in the first place? Why does one thing all-of-the-sudden appeal to lots of people all at once? And, how does something that was wildly popular go out of style? I'm thinking about the idea of syncronicity; particularly in relation to prayer.
How is it that I am conscious of a particular prayer being answered in one moment, and desperate for insight in another moment? I want to believe that prayers are always being answered whether or not I am aware. Yes, there is always something supernatural going on around me - that much I know. Nevertheless, how much of a prayer's life is manifested in my consciousness?
Do prayers flow with syncronicity?
Are my prayers living only in my own energy field? How can my prayer be a part of someone else's energy field without their permission? Who or what carries a prayer between individuals' energy fields? Millions of people and millions of energy fields - is there some kind of time or distance barrier? Even though God is in a dimension of timelessness, our prayers' lives are part of a dimension of time. Is there a stream of delivery for our prayers that only connects to certain relationships? Do we step in and out of waves of other people's prayer energy without feeling them?
What I know is that we somehow answer each other's prayers. I've had patients at the hospital tell me that I was an answer to their prayer. I stopped in their room; I listened to their story; I accompanied them through an emotion; I was an answer to their prayer without knowing what their prayer was. I did not hear their prayer before I stepped into their room. Or, did I?
Did I hear something without knowing it? Did I step through an energy field with the life of their prayer in it? (Syncronicity?)
I have heard some people say that they remember to say a prayer at night but often forget to say a prayer in the busy-ness of their morning. They go about their day without thinking to pray. Somehow this is possible for them. I don't remember what it was like to not need help every morning. I am supposing someone can take prayer for granted if they don't need help.
Every morning, especially for the past 14 and 1/2 years, I have needed to pray, Even when I have questioned whether or not my prayer had a life, I somehow found myself reaching for something. I needed, and still need, strength beyond my own. In my experience, I have found that chronic illness requires chronic prayer.
I can't think of when I last "forgot to pray". It's true: I have decided to quit praying before. But, like the main character in one of my favorite books, A Prayer for the Dying (by Stewart O'Nan), I find myself praying again. Here is an excerpt from that book which is written in second person - incredibly unique:
"You know you won't sleep.
Why don't you pray?
You already have.
Who would have thought you'd turn bitter? Of all people.
And so you roll over and whisper another prayer into your pillow. Not because you're too proud to admit you're wrong. Not because you're afraid. Because you can't change who you are."
Me, too. I pray because it is part of who I am. I am experimenting with trying to feel the life of prayers - energy fields of people who might be praying. I am trying to perceive possible answers to prayers that may not be consciously perceived. Something happens and I think to myself, "Hey, that is an answer to prayer." But, what about all of the things that happen in relation to the life of a prayer and I am not consciously aware of them? Does it seem like answers to prayers move in and out of our lives like the group of birds that all land in the tree together and fly away at the same time? Syncronicity...
Sunday, July 28, 2013
My manuscript is about living with a chronic illness and the depression that often comes along with pain. I think the stories can apply to many different kinds of situations in life such as experiences with heavy duty grief, dashed expectations of various proportions, living with a disability or caring for someone with a disability, issues with anxiety, or just about any kind of physical, mental, emotional, social, or spiritual challenge. It's called, "Carry On! Living with Uncertainty".
I am posting the Table of Contents and the introduction. The chapters are split up into sections and I am thinking of posting a section at a time; otherwise I don't know if people will actually stay tuned in.
Please pass this along to anyone you think might benefit from it. My motivation is all about the possibility of helping someone find a bit of relief from the difficulties they are experiencing. If someone can feel like they are not alone in some of what they are going through and they feel like they can hold on a bit longer, then my purpose will be met.
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuTnpfT3Z1N3VaeXM/edit?usp=sharing
I am posting the Table of Contents and the introduction. The chapters are split up into sections and I am thinking of posting a section at a time; otherwise I don't know if people will actually stay tuned in.
Please pass this along to anyone you think might benefit from it. My motivation is all about the possibility of helping someone find a bit of relief from the difficulties they are experiencing. If someone can feel like they are not alone in some of what they are going through and they feel like they can hold on a bit longer, then my purpose will be met.
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuTnpfT3Z1N3VaeXM/edit?usp=sharing
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Yes, I decided to create a new blog! (Shout out to Candace Hill - "Hey!")
What is in store for this new blog, you ask?
Hopefully a weekly post on all kinds of topics. Plus, excerpts from my manuscript - I won't call it a book since it hasn't been published. Plus, quotes and possibly pictures (if I get super savvy about how to do fancy shmancy stuff). AND...whatever else finds itself on here.
For starters, I will put the introduction to my manuscript on here with the Table of Contents so you can see what's coming in future posts.
Then, I will put a post I wrote about prayer that may be kind of "out there" for some people, but it won't be the first time someone has told me I am "out there", if indeed that is what they think when they read it. I hesitate to put it on here only because it is not in the same style as my manuscript and I would prefer that readers don't say to themselves, "I am not going to read her manuscript if it is full of these crazy ideas." My hesitation is overcome by the truth that I am crazy and I pretty much embrace my craziness, and also by my enjoyment of various and assorted ideas that generate new thoughts.
Finally, welcome to my blog. I hope you enjoy it. I read a book quite a while ago written by a woman who had a near death (or actual death) experience and she said that she learned it is important to: GIVE THANKS, REJOICE, and PRAY.
I believe that is wise counsel. So, thanks for coming here; I hope you enjoy yourself; and let's pray for a greater awareness of God's Spirit in and around us.
Carry On!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)