No way has it been over a month since I last posted a chapter. What happened? I do not know.
This chapter is about trust. This topic is significant to me because of the unpredictability of my illness. I have a background in behavioral science where I was taught to look for patterns; specifically, patterns of behavior. The objective for the scientist is to be able to increase the odds of being able to predict a certain kind of outcome from identifying certain variables. In my case, I have tried to identify certain variables such as diet, sleep, exercise, stress, and so forth, and then used these variable to help predict an outcome for my levels of fatigue and other symptoms of my illness. Without going into detail, let me just say that my illness frustrates scientists, and people with the illness who are trying to understand what it is that is going on with their bodies.
I feel much better than I did 15 years ago when I first started dealing with my symptoms, yet I have not found a way to predict or eliminate when or how my symptoms will flare. Therefore, the element of trust has been a rather complicated issue. None of us knows what any given day will bring, however there was a profound sense of trust that was lost to me when I first started experiencing symptoms. I could no longer trust that if I took care of myself in a healthy way that there would be a generally predictable outcome.
Not too long ago I experienced a betrayal that shook my trust in a particular person and our friendship. It was painful. Betrayal is not fun. After reviewing this chapter, I recalled how painful it was to feel like my body was betraying my trust when I first began my journey through chronic illness. I have learned from it, and I hope some of my insights will help you on your journey of understanding.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7jPs-wKTuOuSjN3S01jM0ZIUTA/edit?usp=sharing
